


Alive

by Joxie



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: And Into Civil War, Bucky Hurts, Depressed Steve Rogers, Emotional Steve Rogers, Everybody Hurts, Everything Hurts, Hurt Steve Rogers, M/M, Obsession, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Stream of Consciousness, Swearing, Tony Also Hurts, Unhappy And Introspective Characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 01:38:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 3,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7993876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joxie/pseuds/Joxie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ALIVE

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Marvel Studios, nor any of the characters from the films. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Bucky is alive I should be happy but I’m not. My grief is still with me and the hurt still burns. Bucky is alive and he doesn’t know me, he doesn’t know himself. I am ashamed that I cannot comprehend and want to disbelieve that he has been remade into an unthinking killing machine. That Bucky cracked and crumbled and forgot me.

That I blame him in anyway shames me and dishonours our past. Selfish, selfish I have changed for the worse, would he even recognise me now? When he remembers, if he remembers will he see the disgrace in me?

Bucky is alive and despite everything I am going to rescue him. That he may judge my flaws and sentence me in whatever mercy he can reclaim. I am his since and forever, he will lift me up and I will set him free.

My love is steady even if all else is weakened by human nature. Let Bucky believe and trust that one fact, that my love is the core of my being and that my love is all for him.

Bucky is alive is on repeat in my brain and I ask why, why didn’t he and then the tears fall. Bucky is alive and I shouldn’t judge him that is not my role or concern. Bucky is alive and I have never been good enough though he would have said otherwise.

Bucky is alive and I am trying to be happy. My grief is a banner I’m endeavouring to lower. The hurt persists but the pain now drives me. My shame is a pathway and I have taken the first step. Bucky is alive and now I have direction. Bucky is alive.


	2. FIRE AND ICE

When Steve looks at me he sees the past. When I look at him I hope to see the future. I’m not Bucky, not his Bucky anyway and he doesn’t seem to acknowledge or realize that. He’s not my Steve either hasn’t been since the war that broke us so creatively.

Still he is at the core of my being it was his voice that called me back. His stubbornness that made me fight my way to some sort of autonomy, never normal but self aware. Able to make choices and my first decision was to remain by his side.

So as I said I’m not Bucky and he’s not Steve and there is a new world for us to learn and explore. Maybe we’ll even heal but that’s a miracle for another day. When the damned find faith and the devil is forgiven. 

This world sees me as a sinner and Steve is their saint. They don’t know that at the heart of their angel is bottled lightning, violent and brutal. That he burns all before him and leaves ashes in his wake. This has never changed in his make-up that and his obsession with me. I hesitate to call it love, I know even less about love than when we were boys.

They have it right when they call me a sinner. Always was and always will be, Steve would tell you different even now. I could torture, rape and murder a child and he would find a way to excuse it or accept it.

There is no one left to see the strange creatures we have become. No one to tell this brave new world how twisted and dangerous we really are and I pity them. Their ignorance will be there down fall and the world will burn.

There is ice in my veins and shards of it have entered my heart. There is fire in his blood which will scorch the earth. 

Yes I see the future back lit with red and orange flames and I will melt into his arms and all will be well and we will finally be free.


	3. A SINGULAR MAN

He hid it well Tony will give him that. The Captain hid it well until he found out his sergeant was alive and killing. The murdering ever loving bastard. Then you could see the madness in his eyes. The type of insanity that could bring down empires and lay waste to worlds. A madness you either joined or jumped off board. So fuck you he jumped and deserted the good ship Bucky and applied the brakes.

The Accords weren’t perfect and Ross was a dick. But it was that or watching Steve as he tore the world apart over one man. He would never see that one man wasn’t worth the whole world.

In the quiet of the bunker in that world of ice. He had looked into the eyes of that singular man and found no sign of madness. Barnes looked impassively back at him clear eyed and silent. In that moment Tony had wondered if Steve had always been insane. Had Bucky always known and simply didn’t care or cared too much.

Then it didn’t matter as they descended into violence, let’s not be poetic they beat the crap out of each other. 

They left him alive if not whole. Physically he healed but emotionally well that was another story. For another time, when he is much more drunk than he is now.

All Tony has left is the Shield and a handful of memories and the sad bitter truth is that if he was given the chance to do it all again. He would not jump, he would go down with his ship.

 

3/10/16


	4. DISSATISFACTION

I didn’t want to save the world, I just wanted to make a difference. Make my small part of it safer for the average Joe and Jill. Practically I didn’t have time for anything bigger, what with fitting in school and a part time job. Plus little things like the need for sleep.

Finding Mr Ironman chatting up my annt was not what I imagined would ever happen. I didn’t ever think he would blackmail me either, even if I was impressed by the man.

Fighting at that airport was an eye opener on all levels. On one side it was wow that arm is fantastic, on the other fuck that hurt. It was also the first time I realized how high the stakes could be and how tired battle made you feel.

I came back from it with a healthy disrespect for adults and a hope I would never grow up to be one. In retrospect they were just two stubborn cliques facing off, my balls are bigger than yours, willie waving on a grand scale.

When I returned home I just wanted to get back to normal. Which I couldn’t because of the Accords, no more looking after the neighbourhood for me. Everything having to be put through the United Nations sort of slows you down when chasing a mugger. Red tape and red blood becoming one and the same.

All of us now being chained to only helping in the big approved events and even than the line of command moves slowly and is clumsy in the extreme. Does Tony have regrets, yes I believe he does but he’s far too stubborn to reach out and try to change the situation.

I don’t trust Ross and never will, he is poison and I don’t know if there is an antidote to his venom. 

 

4/10/16 – 5/10/16


	5. WEALTH

Pain you don’t know what pain is Mr Rich Man, safe behind your wealth and privilege. My riches, my wealth was my son, my beautiful boy. Not monetary so I suppose that wouldn’t count with you.

I blame you and your kind for him being taken from me. Hate the fact that you never have to face the consequences of your actions. All the death is muted and you find it so easy to forget. Well I’m here to remind you, I will be the thorn in your side, the bitter to your sweet. 

I am one mother among many who has lost a child to your vanity and arrogance. But what do you care, just as long as you get your thrills. Go back to your self destructive ways Mr Stark where you only hurt yourself. Leave the innocent out of your blood drenched dreams.

My son is worth infinitely more than all your money and prestige. Nothing you say or do will ever fill the gap he leaves in my life. All I can hope for is to stop you doing the same to some other poor soul.

You are not worth my hate that gives you far too much importance and power. You are nothing in the grand scheme of things. But rest assured that there is a pit of fire waiting for you and long may you burn. Until the dead rise and my son is returned to me.


	6. MONSTERS

I’m well out of it, you don’t put a flammable substance into a forest fire. Self interest is also on the agenda, Ross would shit a golden brick if I were in his power. As much as I like and admire his genius, Tony wouldn’t be able to keep Ross in check. The man is a monster and I know what monsters are capable of doing.

So I am lost in this world, keeping my head down and hiding in the shadows. While watching my friends fight and destroy each other. It makes me want to knock heads together and tear down walls. These people are acting like rival gangs of children. Arguing over who is king of the school yard, who is the best in the whole wide world.

I have news for them there not, there just different not better. For this world to work for all people to survive there must be compromise and trust. That means compassion and strength must go hand in hand. Common sense and intelligence should be the leading light.

But why should anyone listen to me? A monster on the run from capture, life and love. There is no reason I’m flawed more than most and in the end I can only try to look after myself.

When you care nothing is ever clean cut, blinkers are worn, every road is narrow and everyone is right. So I’ll be hiding over here, just out of sight, disappearing round the next corner. Until I’m found by either expertise or chance.


	7. BROTHERS

I have never felt so alien to this world that I’ve sworn to protect. Brothers are standing against brothers, that once stood side by side practicing the art of war, defending the vulnerable and crushing evil.

Unable to help but only witness as my friends try to kill each other. My heart aches that such warriors have been swayed from their duty of protection towards the people in their care.

Brothers should not fight each other, family should support each other. Instead they chose to mimic Loki, communication has gone and there is only accusations and anger left to them.

Which side would I fall on, I have thought long on this and still have not come to a conclusion. Whether to pay for Tony’s guilty conscience or support Steve’s steadfast loyalty. That is a choice make no mistake about that.


	8. FAMILY

There are many types of family including those of choice and those of blood. Some of us are lucky and have both, who support and love us. Laura gives me life and a reason to fight on. She is my moral compass and our children give me hope for the future. 

Natasha didn’t understand at first, seeing my wife and children as a weakness that others could exploit. Laura worked her magic on the Black Widow, breaching her walls through gentle persistence. I don’t think Natasha has ever had a female friend before, the lack of competition between them is a wonder to see.

I like to think that between Laura, myself and our children. We have given Natasha a family of choice, to see her with the children is something like a miracle. 

Then the rest of our extended family began acting like jerks and my choices separated me from both my families. Laura and the children went into hiding and Natasha chose to side with Tony.

If the Accords hadn’t come out of the blue, maybe it would have gone better. Blindsiding Captain America is never a good idea, threatening Steve Rogers best friend, well it’s a good career choice if you’re suicidal.

Bucky is Steve’s first family of choice, his first and strongest love. Combine that with his sense of right and wrong, it makes him charismatic, dangerous and unstoppable.


	9. TAINTED

I’m aware that following him is foolish and can’t end well. I’m aware that a handful of people however enhance can’t fight and win against the rest of the world. I realize that Steve has more issues than is healthy and Bucky is his trigger. Still knowing all this I chose to remain by his side. Allowing him to be my touch stone to reality.

It’s a balancing act Bucky keeps Steve on their version of the straight and narrow. While Steve guides me and keeps my path and steps steady. What keeps Bucky alive and sane you might wonder? The remnants of his conditioning helps and his belief that Steve is the only person left to him that matters now. Also survival has been tortured and beaten into both his body and very soul.

Let’s take a moment to consider that these two men are in fact soul mates, cursed to share one soul. That corruption from Bucky’s unsavory fate is soaking into their shared spiritual link. While Steve’s issues and lack of sanity taints whatever is left. 

Such soul mates as these are dangerous unless left to their own devices. But that option is long gone, Tony and his friends have blocked that exit. So now we go to war and even if we can’t win we will take the many and best with us. Reputations will be destroyed and the innocent will die. While Steve wades through blood Bucky at his side killing without mercy.

I miss my brother and how he used to warm me. In the darkest part of the night I crawl into their bed and let their heat engulf me. Steve naming me mother and Bucky reclaiming a sister.

In those few hours I am at peace their combined presence calming my tattered and bloody soul. Never healing where my brother was torn from me, but soothing all the same. Able to dream of the one I love and long to rejoin.


	10. COMPULSION

She affects me in ways I can’t name, I don’t understand what urges me to be near her and bask. She is troubled and in turmoil, I want to help and protect her. I do not understand what compels me to take away her pain and to never let her go.

I did not let her go though she left just the same. Forcing me to my knees, taking control of my actions and making my body her own. She put me on my knees and I need to kneel again. I don’t understand this compulsion to pay homage to her strength, the power she represents.

I don’t understand why she left me behind and I do not know why I am troubled by this. I only know that I want her back and my need to kneel at her feet. In her power I will be content and satisfied to be in my place. By her side always though I still don’t understand but at least I would be at peace.


	11. SURVIVAL

Tony is a marvelous mess most of the time and it goes without saying though not by him, a genius. Loving him is easy but trusting is another matter. I’m speaking from experience having learnt that old truth you shouldn’t sleep with your boss. It clouds your judgement and the power imbalance in the end burns your relationship to the ground. Saying all that love is still love and we are all fools when our hearts are involved.

It hurts to see him trying to keep so many plates in the air, dancing with the devil and dealing with politicians. Something he has never desired or wanted to do before. Hell that’s how I ended up in charge of his business life.

Nearly all his props are gone now, chiefly Rhodey is left in his corner and yes I do feel guilty. That I’ve put self preservation to the fore and run from my responsibilities. But there’s always a time when your survival instinct kicks in and makes decisions for you. 

Tony tread carefully beware of the devil he is on your trail and his teeth are sharp.


	12. DREAMERS AND FOOLS

Sitting in jail gives you plenty of time to think. The Raft was even more boring than a usual prison and I have the experience to know that. There was little talk, heroes never expect to end up in the clink. So they were in shock and fighting a large dose of denial as well.

Behind their righteous fury I did wonder if they regretted following Captain America into the jaws of the justice machine that has neither mercy or compassion. I wasn’t surprised I half expected we’d end up in prison. Not that I wasn’t over the moon when Steve stormed the barricades and released us from our boredom and gloom. Taking us to a green and lush paradise, glorious.

Where I discovered that Bucky is the fuel that drives him on and that Steve is full of plans. Together they can do the unthinkable and I aim to be right by their side when they come out on top again. They are just waiting for the right time and place. We all wait on their word ready and willing to follow once again. We band of happy dreamers and fools.

The waiting isn’t so bad Wakanda is beautiful anytime of the year and the King is gracious and accommodating. The only thing or I should say person I miss is my daughter. But at least I know she is safe and that one day I will hold her in my arms again.


	13. AUTONOMY

Tony isn’t totally right and Steve isn’t totally wrong. It made my choice difficult but not impossible. Siding with Tony made my nonexistent heart ache. Facing off against Clint made me want to shed a bitter tear.

And now I am Wakanda bound, not to throw myself at Steve’s feet. But to offer my services for his cause and to stand by Clint’s side once again. To protect our autonomy and preserve my self respect.


	14. JUSTICE

Reckless and careless, dashing in and destroying life and property. Well now there are rules, laws and morals, to contain them and their powers. They are dangerous, one step away from, as we now see, turning on the people they claim to serve.

The Captain has always been difficult and unwilling to conform. Holding himself so high, far from the rest of us mere mortals. More scarlet than the red, white and blue. It’s not a surprise that he is the ultimate turncoat and now he has his Hydra friend following him like a faithful guard dog.

We will capture him and the pack of deviants that have chosen to follow him. We will strip Captain America bare, leaving only Steve Rogers in his place and then throw him into a hole so deep he’ll never crawl out again.

All will know what he is and how he has deceived everyone. Captain America is not a hero, he is a violent terrorist, blood thirsty and never satisfied. He will take our world and crush it in his hands, if we don’t act now, swiftly and without delay. The people deserve no less than to know this traitor will get what is coming to him. No mercy, he will receive cold righteous justice.


	15. REGRET OR PAUSE

Christ on a crutch how the hell did it come to this? What a fucking mess morons kicking the shit out of each other without regret or pause. I swear to god they haven’t got two brain cells to rub together.

Captain America and Ironman, Stark and Rogers and let’s not forget Bucky fucking Barnes. How do you solve a problem like the Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes war hero and prisoner of that war? 

Well if you’re logical and cold you kill the bastard before his best friend in the whole world finds out about him. It might not stop a civil war but one element of the fight would be eliminated. 

Bucky Barnes the ghost at the feast, the man who should have remained dead, lost to the world and memory. But instead he has to resurface and throw Rogers into a downward spiral.

Even when Steve is stable he’s not that steady. It might have been better if the man hadn’t been found at all, never mind thawed out. At least there wouldn’t be a Bucky Barnes problem now.

We tried sweet Jesus we tried but the outcome relied on other people’s actions and now it’s time to terminate the experiment. Come to think of it they will do that for us, Stark with his guilty conscience and Rogers with his righteous wrath. You’re well out of it Phil, there’ll be no clearing up this God awful mess.


	16. NOT A SMILE

The glass is cracked never mind half full, with halfwits in charge and people like me following behind and hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

It’s exhausting being so positive and switched on all the time. Smile ready like a beacon, shoulder ready to prop up a broken hero and by hero I mean Steve and his personal dark angel Bucko.

I’m watching you Bucko because Steve allows no doubt where you are concerned. He doesn’t acknowledge how wrong, unpredictable and dangerous you are, he desperately needs you to be okay. You’re far from okay Bucko and we both know it.

You’re his Riley, except my Riley was sane and compassionate. Skills you know longer possess in any great quantity. No matter what Steve thinks you are feral with one master and one master only and he is not the one.

Hydra still has their fingers in your soul Bucko, a handful of words is all it will take to tear you from his side. When that happens the fall out will be horrendous, whether Steve goes down in blood stained glory. Or simply follows you into the jaws of Hydra sacrificing his soul.

All it would take is one shot to put you down like the mad dog you are. Keep in mind I only need to be lucky once. Do you feel lucky Bucko?

This is not a smile you see me wearing I’m merely gritting my teeth.


End file.
